As some of you know I had my first colonoscopy yesterday and although I am only 41, I have a familial history of colon cancer and early screening can often determine the difference between life and death. Colorectal cancer ranks second or third in total annual cancer related deaths in the U.S depending on the source and it's very serious.
This blog isn't.
But it's a blow-by-blow (please pardon all puns herein - intended or otherwise) account of my experience.
May 31 2012. 7 PM. Magnesium Citrate first dose. The protocol for the procedure at the Endoscopy center where it was conducted called for two - 15 ounce doses one the day prior and one the morning of. The label of the 'MagC' as it's commonly known as, says it's a 'Pasteurized Sparkling Saline Laxative'.
I want to personally meet the marketing knucklehead who came up with that tag line. It's as though they wanted me to envision myself enjoying a glass of Pouilly Fuisse on the Champs Elysees. The bottle actually has a pic of a lemon on it.
I wouldn't criticize said marketing knucklehead for irresponsible labeling or anything of that sort. Rather they've missed a unique opportunity to cross-brand or strategerize a marketing synergy or whatever. Think of a vodka based cocktail:
Magnesium Citratini. Nip and Purge. No doubt any one of the other desperate real housewives who like to get drunk and lose weight at the same time will pounce on this opportunity.
JELLO. The only 'solid' food I could have the day prior and I kept hearing Bill Cosby saying "If you have a colon, the first thing you need to do is eat JELLO". Oh Jeez, it's going to be a long night.
June 1 2012. 1 AM - 2 AM. Sleep. "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes'." - Steven Wright.
An hour's sleep is all I got prior to the procedure and it wasn't restful. It was like I was caught in a collaborative short film by Woody Allen and Tim Burton. I dreamt I was running through a cheap looking rubbery synthetic colon lined with attacking polyps.
June 1 2012. 7 AM - 8 AM. Traffic. The morning drive from Winthrop to Wellesley was hellacious and during it I added a new phrase to my medical diction. "Angry Bowels".
June 1 2012. 9 AM. The procedure. Hmm... I won't go there.
Postscripts 1. The physician removed a 'suspicious' polyp. The image I got in my head was a camo-fatigue clad polyp with a Beret sporting a goatee smoking Clove cigarettes. Course I was hopped up on Fentanyl and Versed at the time.
Postscripts 2. Casting for a spin off of Jersey Shores has begun now that we have Toomey and Paulie.
Postscripts 3. 'Paulie' is being biopsied but the likelihood of him being malignant (unlike the other Pauly) is minimal since we caught it early.
Postscripts 4. Two words - Sympathy sushi.